because I want MORE words, not fewer . . .

Dear political correctness,

I never ask you for much. You have to admit, I'm a very good cultural participant. As oppressive as you might be, you really have made me think twice about who I might offend with my words and, in the long run, although you have shrunken my vocabulary, you have broadened my heart.

So, please, I only ask you for one thing. Can we have the word "retarded" back? I know you lend yourself to this linguistic trend of reclamation, alá "cunt," "queer" and even "nigger," but only when the words are being reclaimed by the communities themselves. Well, I may not be in a wheelchair, but I do wear glasses and have to take blood medication, and goddammit, I want "retarded" back! I don't even want to reclaim it, I just want to use it like it was meant to be used.

You see, "retard" has a perfectly legitimate, wonderfully specific meaning. It means, please do not attack me for using a conservative, traditional, oppressive dictionary written by a Great Straight White Male to define it, but, it means: "delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment."

Wow, it's so amazing. And you know why it's useful? Because "progress," "development," and "accomplishment" are not words that exclusively refer to the body or the mind, or even to people!

And yet, if I try to drop a nice, proper, deliciously phrased usage of this word in polite conversation, I get funny looks, if not a full-on comment about the word. It ruins everything. You've trained us so successfully that we can't even use words anymore.

I know what you're thinking: Why not the words "delay," "hinder," "obstruct," "hamper," "detain," or "inhibit?"

I'll tell you why. They don't sound as good as "retard." "Retard" sounds like what it is, it sounds like a huge word stuck inside a small word, unable to progress, develop, or accomplish a larger meaning. It's wondrous, and I love it, and it's your fault that it now sounds like something in terms of disfigurement or disgust, because it became one of your words, used inversely as its own label of intolerance. Not fair! If poor soil retards the growth of my lilies, why can't I say that?! I want to say that!

Look, as an English major, I've let a ton of perfectly good words go. I miss "gay," in particular, and "niggardly" is a verbal no-no, now. "Queer" was a great way to describe something slightly off, but now it reeks of politics. "Fag" was like the hippest thing to casually light on fire, until it hit this side of the ocean and referred to a person. I can't "wop" anyone over the head, or even objectively describe Jewishness without getting in some kind of trouble. I have to be careful with the color spectrum, black, red, brown, and yellow, or else I'll have you to answer to with my friends, my job, my livelihood.

For an educated young woman who enjoys the notion of "freedom of expression," I have certainly given up words, phrases, and even ideas, all for you, frequently at the expense of honesty. And that's fine. I understand. I don't want to hurt anyone, deny anyone their roots, their right to specific struggles, and so on.

Listen, I'm not cruel. I just want the one word. Keep the rest. My desires are humble. I just want you to stop retarding my freedom of expression.