it isn't so hard to understand . . .

Dear Anonymous,

I would have told you this a long time ago, but the words never seemed appropriate. When someone confesses love, usually they want a committed relationship to develop out of it. I had no idea how to say, "I'm in love!" without you assuming I wanted more than you could give. What should be a declaration of joyous emotion usually makes people feel like shit: I feel vulnerable and anxious confessing it, and I feel pressured and guilty when someone else confesses that they are in love with me.

I do not want anything extra from you. I have no intention of trying to become your girlfriend. I feel bonded to you somewhere between friendship and romance, somewhere a little more enlightened than lust and less committed than monogamous love.

I want you to ask me to come home with you, but not to come home to you.

Sincerely,
Vi

being mean is frequently funny . . .

Dear Middle Aged Code Pink Protestor,

It was so nice to start my morning off with a slice of your hypocrisy pie. I thought it was especially cute when I walked past you at 8:30 in the morning and you yelled “wake up,” at me. I thought it was extra cute when you forced a pamphlet into my hands and then held my hand while looking somberly into my eyes and then whispering “wake up.”

After our delightful meeting this morning that not only challenged the war but also the conventional standards of social interaction betwixt strangers (LADY HELD MY HAND) I was forced to assemble a brief list of reasons why I hate you.

1.) Ahh boomers, there are a lot of reasons I think you are self deluded assholes. For starters let us more beyond that “we ended the war,” none sense because the vast majority of you were not involved in student protests. For the minority of you who were involved in the student protest movement congrat’s, I mean seriously you made the rain fall totes hard, what was that, 5 years between the 68' riots and the Nixon pulling out of Vietnam? Yeah I think it was and didn’t he pull out of Vietnam for a myriad of reasons, only one of which was the protest movement? So like good job or whatever can we move beyond all your high and mighty generation Q bullshit, thanks.

2.) Hey I am against the war and don’t like that it is my generation who is fighting the war, maybe I would like to protest with you? Oh fuck wait, I can’t because I have a crap load of student loans which I took out to go to college because since you graduated the cost of a college education has tripled. Plus it is harder and harder to get government aide so I guess I will have to go to my bitch job this morning to pay for the college education that you insisted I get, thanks.

3.) I was not the one who gave up on the dream, bought a Volvo, voted for Regan and elected Bush twice, so you can take that smug look off your face old-timer.

I will not be judged as a yuppie by you people, in all likelihood this is the first time you have been to the financial district in years before 10am. You probably live in the East Bay and fill your life with childcare and book clubs. Those of us involved in the world of work, which is coincidentally where real power is born are not fools nor have we lost the republican spirit this nation was founded on. We do however have to make rent, so take your judgement elsewhere boomers.

-CT

beware what people do not say . . .

Dear Anonymous,

There I was, with you and him and him. Of course, one of the hims was your date, and the presence of us other two was transparently to serve as a social buffer (or posse or safety net). I have a tendency to dominate conversations, but as this was primarily your date with Boy #1, I decided to not tell any of my infamous stories or gossip or tease Boy #1 about anything that might make you dislike him. But it meant I bit my tongue continuously - you could probably see my eyes twinkle with the pain. Let me tell you a few things you obviously did not know.

The male roommates I mentioned include my boyfriend, but that statement I made about needing someone to take me out was still true. It's a long stupid conversation that would have completely distracted you from your date and probably make you dislike me. You liked me. I liked you. You're a cool girl. Here we go to dispell some assumptions and make some prophecies:

Boy #2 and I are not a couple, although we have slept together. Our whole dynamic seemed weird to you, I could tell. Anyway, speaking of sex:

I have slept with Boy #1, several times. He wants to be dominated, which you obviously can't tell from his dominant personality. Playing the passive little girl is not going to get him - you need to be more aggressive about it. There's a high likelihood he will not open his eyes frequently while in bed. He might start saying things you don't want to hear if you get into a dominant sexual position, so consider yourself warned.

He will probably end up hurting your feelings in some way, and I hope you like drinking ALL the time, because he does. But he also liked you less as you became sloppier in your drunkenness, so find a way to drink, but reign it in. This contradiction may take practice to execute well.

It will be easy for him to keep secrets from you, unless you really push it, in which case he will be unnecessarily mean about being honest.

That weird homosexual undertone of Boy #1 & Boy #2's friendship? Yeah, that's not just a joke. Boy #1 has some insecurities when he's next to Boy #2, which makes me wonder why he invited Boy #2 to his date. I think they want to fuck each other - you may be playfully asked to compare the two in looks or personality, so start planning your diplomatic answer now.

And that pattern Boy #1 was establishing of not asking you any questions about yourself, that's because we were in a group. He will ask more of those questions if the two of you are alone, but he won't remember any of the answers. He'll probably forget them because he likes to have conversations while the television is on. He tricks himself into thinking he can concentrate because he puts the damn thing on mute, but he's wrong. Oh, and it's all about reality tv shows (which he feels guilty about liking) and History Channel/A & E real-crime shows (which make him feel outraged) at his place. These two types of shows are particularly annoying to try and watch while muted, especially if you are "having a conversation" at the same time.

But he's not a bad guy. He just says he is so he'll scare away the girls with weak constitutions.

I guess what I wanted to tell you is: you probably don't deserve what's coming your way. Unless, of course, you're a truly hardcore stone-cold bitch and were merely biting your tongue about it the whole evening.

-Vi

P.S. Boy #1 has a silly tattoo of a musical note on his back, and may also show you his recording studio, but the motherfucker hasn't played a show in at least a year. Stay on your toes.