beware what people do not say . . .

Dear Anonymous,

There I was, with you and him and him. Of course, one of the hims was your date, and the presence of us other two was transparently to serve as a social buffer (or posse or safety net). I have a tendency to dominate conversations, but as this was primarily your date with Boy #1, I decided to not tell any of my infamous stories or gossip or tease Boy #1 about anything that might make you dislike him. But it meant I bit my tongue continuously - you could probably see my eyes twinkle with the pain. Let me tell you a few things you obviously did not know.

The male roommates I mentioned include my boyfriend, but that statement I made about needing someone to take me out was still true. It's a long stupid conversation that would have completely distracted you from your date and probably make you dislike me. You liked me. I liked you. You're a cool girl. Here we go to dispell some assumptions and make some prophecies:

Boy #2 and I are not a couple, although we have slept together. Our whole dynamic seemed weird to you, I could tell. Anyway, speaking of sex:

I have slept with Boy #1, several times. He wants to be dominated, which you obviously can't tell from his dominant personality. Playing the passive little girl is not going to get him - you need to be more aggressive about it. There's a high likelihood he will not open his eyes frequently while in bed. He might start saying things you don't want to hear if you get into a dominant sexual position, so consider yourself warned.

He will probably end up hurting your feelings in some way, and I hope you like drinking ALL the time, because he does. But he also liked you less as you became sloppier in your drunkenness, so find a way to drink, but reign it in. This contradiction may take practice to execute well.

It will be easy for him to keep secrets from you, unless you really push it, in which case he will be unnecessarily mean about being honest.

That weird homosexual undertone of Boy #1 & Boy #2's friendship? Yeah, that's not just a joke. Boy #1 has some insecurities when he's next to Boy #2, which makes me wonder why he invited Boy #2 to his date. I think they want to fuck each other - you may be playfully asked to compare the two in looks or personality, so start planning your diplomatic answer now.

And that pattern Boy #1 was establishing of not asking you any questions about yourself, that's because we were in a group. He will ask more of those questions if the two of you are alone, but he won't remember any of the answers. He'll probably forget them because he likes to have conversations while the television is on. He tricks himself into thinking he can concentrate because he puts the damn thing on mute, but he's wrong. Oh, and it's all about reality tv shows (which he feels guilty about liking) and History Channel/A & E real-crime shows (which make him feel outraged) at his place. These two types of shows are particularly annoying to try and watch while muted, especially if you are "having a conversation" at the same time.

But he's not a bad guy. He just says he is so he'll scare away the girls with weak constitutions.

I guess what I wanted to tell you is: you probably don't deserve what's coming your way. Unless, of course, you're a truly hardcore stone-cold bitch and were merely biting your tongue about it the whole evening.

-Vi

P.S. Boy #1 has a silly tattoo of a musical note on his back, and may also show you his recording studio, but the motherfucker hasn't played a show in at least a year. Stay on your toes.