unwitting contribution from a new friend . . .

Dear whoever stole my car from the 300 block of Fell St, sometime between Thursday April 17 and Sunday April 20:

I would like to take a moment and point out a couple of things to you.

1.) Congratulations. You stole a 16 year old Swedish car with almost 200,000 miles on it. I hope you're proud of yourself. The leather upholstry (as you've probably discovered) is trashed on the passenger's side. You had better do something about that. The seat warmers don't work anymore.

Seriously, though: it's not like you stole, you know, a CAMRY or something, so you obviously had to have been pretty good at what you were doing. You must have practice. However, now that she's yours, you had better treat her like the princess she is. That means 91 octane gas, bucko. And frequent oil changes (she's actually due for one). And don't ride that clutch.

2.) I want my Ray-Bans back. And CD of Steely Dan's "Gaucho." And the mix CDs a lady friend made for me. I want ALL of my CDs back, in fact, you inconsiderate prick. And my cassettes. My copy of Garth Brook's self-titled release is in that car. I got it from my uncle in 1993 for Christmas. I hope that makes you feel absolutley wretched, like you just got your lunch money stolen. Just gimme back my damn CDs. I can't afford to replace them all.

3.) I've hooked up with three girls in the back of that car. Okay, just two.

4.) Her name is Arlene.

If this happens to move you at all (or if anybody reading this sees a black SAAB with CA Licence plate # 6BGS239 around the city), I'd love it if you'd let me know. I'd also buy you a beer. Or a six pack. I'm poor.

-J.K.